Perfection (n): the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve written a sentence, erased it, written it again, toyed with it, toyed with the idea of the piece, restructured the paragraph to fit the sentence, erased it again, started writing another part of the piece, couldn’t focus knowing that the sentence was still messed up, went back to the sentence to fix it, erased it again, erased the paragraph, and then just erased the whole post– all because of my desire for perfection.
This isn’t profound. I do this for essays, which is why you’ll usually find me cranking out pages upon pages of unfiltered bullshit the day one is due, but also with the most basic of posts or tweets as well. And I think part of it stems from knowing the power words can hold. I’m fully aware that there is a way I can carefully string together the perfect line of words to clearly and completely deliver my thoughts, and maybe it’s the hope that sentence exists and at some point it will come to me that keeps me rewriting and rewriting. But there’s a line between holding out and being afraid. There’s a line between believing in your ability to come up with a good sentence eventually and not ever putting the sentence out there in the first place because you don’t think you’re good enough. And that line is what I’m constantly getting stuck on.
I know that rewriting is so important for good writing. If there’s anything I’ve learned through my new dabble into my new CRWT minor, it’s that your drafts can always be improved because you’re always learning new skills and techniques. And so maybe the hesitancy to put my thoughts out there stem from the fact that I know my opinions aren’t at their final form yet? Maybe it’s the fact that what I write today– on any topic from politics, to economics, to general health– is going to be half of what I could write later in life when I’ve learned or experienced more, so I should save my opinion for future me to elaborate on?
For real, what kinda lazy-ass cop-out solution is that??
One of the first things about myself that I hope to overcome with this blog is my tendency to use ‘perfection’ as an excuse to not do or say what I want. I have so many thoughts on so many different subjects, but I’ve been holding myself back on exploring them, putting them out for the world to see, and being held accountable for them. Sure, I’ve made a very big first step in just making this blog and putting the link to it out there (because a less motivated me would probably just keep that shit to myself for years), but there’s still ways to go.
In the end, each time I delete my words for a story or just give up on a post, I’m giving up on a chance to develop my writing or learn something new. Each time I shut myself down because I don’t think my opinion matters, I’m the only one who lessening the value of my thoughts. Every time I strive for perfection, and only perfection, I lose out on the chance to create and share something meaningful and personal– and that’s just ridiculous.
So starting today, I’m going to start perfecting my writing ability by saying fuck it to perfection. In this blog, you will find unapologetic/incomplete/unpolished fragments of thoughts and ideas, and you know what? That’s gonna be just fine.
Thank you for stopping by!